Linda's hotel classification system

Added over 10 years ago

Our five star accommodation

1              Shithouse. I think you can picture this category for yourself.  Think of the toilets at Arc (a nightclub in Sydney) at 4 am on a Sunday morning and you’re pretty well spot on.  So vile even cockroaches avoid the place.  Costs anywhere between $5 and $80 a night.  May be in or near a brothel.

2              Toilet Block, Clean.  This usually consists of a room tiled in white with twin beds, and a bathroom that you can shower and crap in at the same time.  Surprisingly clean, but looks can be deceiving!  I once spent a night in a room like this while a rat quietly ate half a packet of biscuits not five centimeters from my sleeping head.  Cost between $40 and $120 a night.  Possibly has hot water, at least at certain times of the day (those times being when you are out).  Mattress feels like a plank, usually made of foam.   Subcategory is Toilet Block, Dirty.  Same as above but three years older.

3              Deceased Estate.  You reach the lobby and think wow! Soaring ceilings, mezzanine levels, grand piano in the corner.  Unfortunately the good times don’t reach the guest rooms.  Stinking of the accumulated years of cigarette smoke and carpeted in some kind of dense green felt, the room will have an air conditioning unit that sounds like a rabid hippo and plumbing that lets you know exactly what your neighbor is up to at all times of the night.  Cost between $120 and $250.  May or may not include breakfast. 

4              Plastic International.  Ok, except for the price.  Value $120, actual cost closer to $300 plus taxes.  Breakfast usually extra.  Five channels of Bollywood and the Dow Jones Index available on TV.  Staff ignore you unless absolutely necessary.  Swimming pool generally closed for maintenance, often all year round.

5              This is Nice.  Unfortunately, this is also rare unless one is spending upwards of $400 per night.  Always has a functioning swimming pool and staff dressed in huge turbans/pantaloons/funny hats.  Current trend is a glass wall between the bed and bath and a rain shower.  I always steal the toiletries from these hotels just to get a better sense of value. 


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